Did I really just ask that? Valentines Day has come and gone, so it comes up in my office a bit more often, and even with out Valentines day, it comes up plenty often with couples struggling to balance parenting with their own relationship, who I work with frequently.
So, how is your sex life? But I don’t expect you to answer me so you can wipe the sweat from your brow and read on.
Even if you are one of the women who have gotten to a place where you say seemingly honestly to yourself “I don’t even care about sex anymore,” I bet you do. And I bet that your partner does, and that your lack of libido is cause for frustration if not conflict at least once in a while. If I offered you magic potion that would make you suddenly crave and be deeply satisfied by sex with your partner, would you want it?
Don’t even try to lie. I know you would!
I know this because I’ve worked with countless women who never told me up front that their sex life was something they wanted to address. Yet after we work together and a client starts to learn to care for her needs (no, not sexual needs, the regular old base of the pyramid kind – like sleep and play) suddenly she begins to realize she misses her libido, or is more able to hear her partner who misses their intimacy that is when I hear about it.
Most of us have a hard time being honest when our sex life isn’t great. We’re embarrassed. We might worry about what it means for our relationship. We might worry about what others will think if we acknowledge that it is not great. And even though statistics indicate the opposite, we think we’re alone.
In my practice I can’t tell you how many couples tell me they experience a decline in sexual satisfaction after they have children. Many parents of babies and toddlers report no sex life at all, much to their frustration. Would any mom be shocked? I think not! In fact I think parenthood’s affect on sexual activity is grossly underreported.
There are many contributing factors to why the satisfaction of our sex life declines once we have children – sleep deprivation, exhaustion, lack of privacy, household work increases exponentially, possibly more fighting, postpartum medical issues, postpartum depression, postpartum body image, etc. But time and time again there is one activity that has the biggest positive impact on my clients’ sex lives – mom taking better care of her own basic needs.
It’s simple really – create a to-do list each day that is manageable and includes items that prioritize and values your needs and when your head hits the pillow you will be more likely to want sex. And let’s face it, mom wanting more sex usually leads to mom and dad having more sex.
Why is that?
When we manage and care for our own needs and are fair about what we can get done, we are less likely to end the day exhausted and depleted. When we adjust our expectations and create realistic to-do lists, we are also realistic about what we can’t get done and that creates opportunities to communicate those needs calmly to our partners.
Want to improve your sex life? Want to explore how your daily expectations are interfering in your marriage? Call me for a no cost consultation to discuss your needs!
I look forward to talking to you soon,